Everyone knows that the only real way to lose weight and keep it off is to eat smaller portions, choose healthier foods and exercise more. Everyone also knows doing those things suck and there has to be a better way.
There isn't. But since it's the new year, everyone wants to find that miracle solution to shed all those holiday pounds (and all those pounds people had before the holidays even began). How do you sell people on something that doesn't actually work? You sell it with celebrity endorsements, pop jingles and lies. Take a look at seven of the most ridiculous diet and workout ads out there.
Mariah Carey's Jenny Craig ads
Did you know that Jenny Craig isn't just a diet chain, but a franchise of dance clubs that caters exclusively to sassy white women? The only catch is to get in you have to lose weight. At least, that's what it seems like in these brand new Jenny Craig ads that feature Mariah Carey. The pop star famously had twins, Moroccan and Monroe, last year and struggled to lose the baby weight. Apparently wearing stilettos on the StairMaster doesn't work they way it did back when her glorious MTV Cribs episode aired.
Jennifer Hudson's Weight Watchers Ad
There's nothing weird about a famous woman shilling a weight loss program (see above). However, what makes these commercials weird is that it reminds you how charming the younger Hudson was and how she didn't need to lose weight to be a star. To see a far svelter and shinier-haired Hudson slink around her younger self seductively is more than a little disconcerting. Is Jennifer a time traveler who has encountered her curvier past self? Will the universe collapse in on itself if the Two Jennifers meet?
Thai Green Tea Commercial
In the United States, we think we're the best at everything, and that includes bizarre diet food commercials. As it happens, Thailand is giving us a run for our money. Whereas in the Western world, you have to give weight loss a positive and inspirational spin so as not to completely humiliate your potential clients, Thai commercials waste no time in making their customers feel like unattractive grunting freaks. While we can't speak for whether or not this approach works, we'd venture a guess that no green tea can give a person the ability to move her belly fat into her bra.
Sweden is known for many wonderful things: IKEA, Robyn, the Skarsgards Stellan and Alexander, fish, meatballs, ABBA, Robyn, Ace of Base, Robyn. It's not known as a diet capital, though. So, makers of the Swedish Diet had a dilemma on their hands. How can they let people know that they not only export dressers named after barf noises, but also diet pills that won't work? With pop music, of course. Robyn was busy being awesome, so three mannequins dressed as blondes are forced to sell Sweden as a place that knows all about being prettier than the rest of the world. The only problem is that by the end of this commercial, we're less inspired to trudge out to CVS than we are to watch this hypnotically awful ad over and over again. What is the deal with that kind-of-inappropriate-for-a-family-website fist pump move they do 16 seconds in?
Most diet and workout ads guilt women into wanting to be smaller. Lee Hanley wants men to get larger. Muscle tone is great (observe Ryan Gosling's abs in 'Crazy, Stupid, Love'), but too much muscle tone and you look like a rejected version of The Hulk. You've got to hand it to Lee Hanley, though. His gym is full of jacked-up success stories. So, if your New Year's resolution is to change yourself into a hairless yeti, get yourself a time machine and go back to Lee Hanley's world. You won't be alone.
Diet Thai Tuna Commercial
Remember how we said Thailand is giving us a run for our money? This is their coup de grace. The woman in this commercial is either fighting hunger or carrying an alien baby. The only thing that can curb hunger is diet tuna because tuna is food and food curbs hunger. Also, the only thing that can abort an alien baby is diet tuna because tuna is food and you have to eat it through your mouth and not your screaming, sucking belly button of doom. If none of those statements make any sense, it's because this commercial for diet tuna doesn't make any sense. We are, however, terrified of screaming belly buttons now. Thanks for a new phobia, Thailand.
Spanish Bally Total Fitness Ad
We'll be honest: we have no idea what is going on in this ad. And it's not just because it's in Spanish. By parodying low-rent diet ads, Bally's has created a bizarre low-rent ad in the process. Why is the “after lady” suddenly carrying a giant purse? Shouldn't that be the “before”? Why is the guy trying to blend into the wall? Was someone at Bally's wasted on sangria when they approved this ad?