Wrestlemania 34 was WrestleLAME-ia
For the first time in my life, I got to watch Wrestlemania live (on TV). When Vince McMahon and company finally bring The Grandest Stage of Them All to U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis, I hope to be there in person.
Well...I did, at least.
I'm not sure what I was expecting last night...besides freaking excellence? Maybe heart-stopping match after heart-stopping match? Legacies cemented? So what DID I get?
WARNING: SPOILERS BELOW!
Spoilers below this spoiler! Last chance! (Getty Images)
I tuned in during the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. It was predictable. "Woke" Matt Hardy's comeback has been forced, I'm over Dolph Ziggler, and Bray Wyatt is boring.
There were too many triple/quadruple threat matches. It's a lame way to cram as many WWE Superstars into the program as possible.
The whole "he's never won this title so we'll have him win this title" is old already. Randy Orton won the U.S. Title from Bobby Roode because "it was the one title in WWE he hadn't won yet," and WWE went to that well again with Seth Rollins winning the only title he hadn't yet held in WWE, the Intercontinental championship. It was a fairly exciting match that I was hoping Finn Bálor would win, but I guess we've gotta have yet another "Grand Slam" champion.
Asuka (pronounced, AH-skah) is mi amore, but Wrestlemanias are now for streaks ending instead of greatness being cemented. Charlotte Flair (daughter of the great Ric Flair...WHOOOOOO!) made the until-then-undefeated-for-2 1/2-years Asuka submit. They shared a respectful hug after the match, which was neat. It was a decent match, but too short. And then it got overshadowed by a 'referee' running down the ramp to John Cena - who was sitting in the crowd watching because The Undertaker never answered his challenge for a WM match - to urgently tell him something. Asuka hadn't even left the ring yet, and Flair was still walking back up the ramp, when Cena went sprinting past her to the locker room. Gee, what was THAT about?!
DERP! (Getty Images)
Back to the "Grand Slam" champions BS, we go to the recent GS champ Randy Orton defending his U.S. title against Bobby Roode, Rusev, and Jinder Mahal. I was rooting for Roode (GLORIOUS!), would've been okay with Rusev, and begrudgingly accepted Orton retaining, so that means roid-head Mahal won. He's a decent heel, but good grief I can't stand him. Booooooooo.
I was starting to get sleepy at this point. It could've been the beer, it could've been the entire pizza I devoured (I'd taken naps all day to stay awake for WM34, since it goes past my usual bedtime of 8...hey, I wake up at 3am!)...or it could've been because WM34 had been pretty disappointing to that point. The program was going too long, the crowd was tiring, and the couch was really comfortable. But it was Rowdy Ronda time!
Former UFC women's superstar "Rowdy" Ronda Rousey made her WWE debut in a mixed-tag team match with Kurt Angle against Triple H and Stephanie McMahon (Vince's son-in-law and daughter, respectively). Rousey uses the "Rowdy" moniker along with WWE legend Roddy Piper's signature font and kilt. She didn't steal it, she got Piper's blessing to use the moniker. She also entered the match wearing Piper's leather jacket.
The match while the two men were in the ring was BOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRING. Years of wear-and-tear on their bodies forced them to move much slower than during their prime, which is understandable...but BOOOORRRRRRRING. When the women entered the match, it was exciting...there was actually energy! Both Triple H and McMahon did a great job getting her over with the crowd, who loved her already. She did a great job considering this was her first pro wrasslin' match.
Time for another "cram ALL the wrasslers into one match!" match. Something about Smackdown tag team titles and the brutal bros won. Meh.
Time for JOOOooooooooooooooohn CENA! He went back to the dressing room to change into his Cena wrasslin' outfit! He's pumped! The crowd is pumped! The Undertaker is returning!! Then another 'referee' comes running down the ramp shaking his head and telling Cena some bad news. Cena's in disbelief. Everyone is in disbelief. Then the lights went out...he's HERE! Then someone else walks out of the curtain...somebody most definitely NOT The Undertaker.
This joke had really gone too far...until it went FURTHER! Some hunyuck named...Eric? Elias?...came out and started singing horribly about Cena being bad or whatever. Cena beat the p*ss out of...Ethan?...and then dejectedly walks back up the ramp. I was ready to rage quit WWE if he went through that curtain...then the lights went out again! ERMEHGERD! Terrible lightning sound effects showed 'Taker's trenchcoat and hat in the ring...then they were gone! Then the bell tolled and the crowd (and myself) went APESH*T.
The Undertaker was finally back! He whooped Cena something fierce, then took his sweet time exiting the stadium, as he has earned.
YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!! (Getty Images)
The next match was one that I both looked forward to and dreaded: Shane McMahon (son of Vince) and the return of Daniel Bryan against rage idiots Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn. I'm tired of Kevin Owens. The screaming lunatic "you made me do that!" shtick sucks...another great WWE talent ruined by the destROID brain of Vince McMahon. The match straight up sucked until Bryan entered, then it was great. I'm a big fan of Bryan. The match - along with the "YES! YES! YES!" chants - exhausted me. There were four matches left on the card, including the main event between Brock Lesnar and SO SICK OF HIM Roman Reigns. I took a pass and passed out in bed for the night.
You can get the rest of the results from WrestleLAMEia 34 if you care, but I don't. Nothing was surprising, including Vince screwing BOTH winners of the Royal Rumble (winners choose which championship they want to wrestle for, and both RR winners lost at WM34). It was a great opportunity to push two fantastic performers that electrify the WWE Universe, but Vince stuck with the two incumbents. Lame AF.