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My First Attempt At Fantasy Football

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Jazz Hands! And wrong ‘football’ (Getty Images)

I’m venturing into uncharted territory. No, I don’t mean ‘diet and exercise’ or ‘drinking in moderation'; I’m talking fantasy football.

Fantasy football is that annoying thing you hear/see on sports shows for 3/4 of the show instead of just talking about the damn games.

I’ve tried March Madness office pools, and even week-by-week football pools…and failed miserably at each. So what could possibly go wrong?

At least I’m not blowing money on this.

Check out my picks and let me know what YOU think!


The 2017 Drop Dead Neds

QB: Drew Brees (New Orleans) and Andy Dalton (Cincinnati)

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I hate Drew Brees. He’s a whiny b**ch. Also, 2009.

BUT, if Adrian Peterson stays healthy and defenses start “stacking the box“, then Brees will tear them apart. Like AP’s knees.

Andy Dalton because dangit, The Doctor still isn’t a ginger.

RB: Jonathan Stewart (Carolina) and Mark Ingram (New Orleans)

Jonathan Stewart was an auto-pick (I was making dinner during the draft!). Mark Ingram because I believe that AP’s knees will literally explode Week 1 against the Vikings.

WR: Jordy Nelson (Green Bay) and Golden Tate (Detroit)

When A-a-ron Rodgers and Jordy Nelson are both healthy, they shred defenses like AP’s MCL (he’s not a Viking anymore so screw him). Golden Tate because I was making tater tots when he was the top player available.

TE: Rob Gronkowski (New England) and Kyle Rudolph (Minnesota)(FLEX)

Gronk is a douche, but he’s a talented douche…much like his quarterback (Tom Brady). Rudolph is an obvious choice because the Vikings’ offensive line STILL sucks, so Sam Bradford will be checking down a LOT again.

FLEX: Kyle Rudolph and Jamison Crowder (Washington)

See above for Rudolph. Crowder because…either he was an auto-pick or because I like Jameson whiskey. I don’t remember.

Defense/Special Teams: Denver Broncos

I know, I know: the Vikings are supposed to have one of the top defenses this year according to people who get paid to predict that stuff. But so is Denver. And I’ve heard great things about Colorado.

THE BENCH:

Vikings Defense/Special Teams

See? I don’t completely hate the Vikings! I can’t believe they were still available whenever I picked them. Weren’t they supposed to be one of the best in the league?

Jeremy Maclin WR (Baltimore)

Who? Auto-pick.

Frank Gore RB (Indianapolis)

Gore sounds badass! He was 1000+ yards, too (I just read that).

Duke Johnson, Jr RB (Cleveland)

SOMEBODY has to be good on that team! Also: Duke is almost Dook.

Donte Moncrief WR (Indianapolis)

His name is neat. NEAT I SAY!


So…how did I do? Will the Drop Dead Neds win it all?

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