Check Out the Most Expensive St Paul Home Ever Listed on MLS

Need a lot of square footage without a lot of yard? Are five bedrooms and five bathrooms finally enough for you? Are you filthy rich?

If you answered "yes" to at least the last question then this might be the house for you.

6000+ Square Feet on Less Than Half an Acre for Less Than $4 Million

The kitchen is all I want. Someone else can have the rest of the house.

I dream of having a kitchen with an exhaust fan above the stove that actually takes the smoke from my steak searing and blows it outside instead of right back into my fat face. I'm a simple man with simple desires.

Among the appliances included in the bargain for this fixer-uppity is an "air-to-air exchanger". Is that Rich Lingo for "central air"?

Enter a World Your Poor Eyes Haven't Seen In-Person

Is that a bench for sitting on to take your shoes off? Do rich people not know the joy of ripping their shoes off by the heel and just kicking them onto the pile of other shoes?

That's a lot of glass to clean smudge marks off of. Plus: people get to watch you stumble up/fall down the stairs.

There are walk-in closets, and then there's this:

Those are a lot of junk drawers. That's what goes in those, right? Then bench is long enough to lay on when you're tryyyyyyyyyying to squeeze into those pants that fit just fine last week I swear...

Entertaining

The listing boasts about the property's "expansive entertaining". Well, when you don't know what to fill Room #23 with, you can just default to "entertaining". I don't see a single Nintendo or Xbox among these pictures, and that's just embarrassing.

Still no Nintendo Switch. Do these people even know how to Lazy?

I used to be able to play part of the intro to Journey's "Faithfully" on piano. Good times.

This place is so fancy it even come with a room full of clothes hangers exercise equipment.

NOW THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Saunas are for fat guys who want to sweat without the work. I am that guy.

Hey Hey We're the Biffies

Better stock up on Windex, because that shower door is going to have a lot of leg imprints on it.

Who has that many white hand towels? Did they rob a hotel?

I've never had a shower big enough for the controls to be on the opposite side of the shower head. This is just visual gibberish to me.

This must be the bathroom that you let your poor relatives use, just so they won't be confused.

Where the Magic Happens

"The Magic" for me happens on the toilet, which explains a lot. This bedroom has a nice padded headboard, but where do you attach the handcuffs? Asking for a fellow Poor.

It might be from looking at houses like this through my Poor Person Eyes, but holy beans this is a lot of house for a lotter money. I've had apartments smaller than this bedroom:

"Work Hard" definitely sounds better than "Have Generational Wealth", but I won't snark the "be nice to people" part.

This place can be yours for just $3,995,000. Check out the full listing for all the details.

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H/T: Bring Me the News